Under a Gibbous Moon

From least to most dangerous.

The saying that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is especially true when it includes a pound of buckshot. With that in mind, I present this helpful poster. Print it out and hang it on your wall so if the time comes, you’ll know when and how to administer the cure.

Doomed is an amazing movie. It accomplishes what few other movies have ever done. It takes a great premise and pulls it off with such horrible execution that the only way to enjoy it is with a fifth of whiskey. And the television turned off.

Set on a remote island that is so not infested by zombies that it is named after George Romero, a group of ten convicts attempts to survive a trip across the island in order to win there freedom in a game show of THE FUTURE.

I’m a huge fan of low budget Sci-Fi/Horror movies so when I see a movie that looks like a Running Man but with zombies I figure that ought to be pretty fun? Right?

To be fair, let’s break down the movies strong and weak points.

Pros:

• The first cinematic use of a CGI vent on a set wall

Cons:

• Everything else

The movie opens up with ten convicts divided into five color coded teams. These people are so unlikeable that within the first few minutes the blue team gets into a fight and kill each other.

Apparently in THE FUTURE (2020) criminal punishment is to the state where jaywalking will net you twenty-five to life.  Because of this, a mix of mass murderers, prostitutes, and tax evaders are given the opportunity to win their freedom and a $50 million cash prize ($239.78 in todays dollars) if they are the first team to reach the other side of the island.

What their not told, is that the island was the home to a failed, secret government experiment into creating super soldiers that instead (and almost predictably) created zombies. Of course, in the name of keeping this all hush hush, it will all be broadcast on network TV.

Luckily for you, that the convicts are so unsympathetic that when their teams begin to implode and/or get eaten, you don’t care. You don’t even root for the zombies, you just don’t care. The black male character is so painfully, painfully stereotypical I can’t understand why he agreed to do the part (well I’ve got one theory but I’ll get to that later). Then there’s the loud black woman, whiny weak blonde girl and the Asian girl with a katana. The closest thing you have to protagonists are the grey team which consists of a Marine/Soldier (the writers are apparently not aware of the distinction) mass murderer and euthaniast (?) jury tamperer.

The cast may be bad but the story is so broken that it cannot even keep the premise straight. The entire point of the game is to reach the other part of the island to claim the reward and yet the reward is actually in a bunker in the middle of the island (and by bunker, I mean one long hallway with a single room). The freedom that is then promised to them there actually means they have to lug $50 million across the rest of the island while being chased by zombies.

For a zombie movie, there are no worthwhile special effects. All the budget was blown on the CGI island map, screen overlays and the vent. There is virtually no gore in this movie except for disturbingly pornographic showers of blood in the females faces. The zombie makeup consists of painting people gray, green, or some combination thereof.

For any type of movie, the weaponry is completely underutilized. There is a chainsaw and it is never used. NEVER USED! That is a clear violation of Chekhov’s Gun. Almost all of the combat is hand to hand or using firearms to bludgeon zombies.

So, after we uncurl ourselves from the corner, wipe the tears from our eyes, and convince ourselves that life is worth living again, we still must ask ourselves, why was this movie made. I think I know the answer.

Yes, apparently this movie was just an excuse to take some stupid producer’s money and use it for a vacation on Bora Bora.

He’s alive and he’s doing bank commercials!

For all of you out there who are fond of zombie movies, today is the 70th birthday of the man who started it all, George A. Romero. I recommend spending it watching your favorite zombie flicks, whatever they may be.

If for some reason you do not have any, I recommend starting with Night of the Living Dead which has fallen into the public domain and can be watched for free on many different web sites.

So happy birthday, George, keep them coming.