Under a Gibbous Moon

I’ve been meaning to do this one for a while but I haven’t gotten around to it because it involved a trip to the Outland and I hate the Outland.

The Burning Crusade is the first expansion for World of Warcraft and was released back in 2007, several years before the train wreck of a movie, Avatar, was released (yes, it had special effects but they were just lipstick on a bloated three hour pig of a movie).

After having seen the movie and playing through the Outland, I have noticed some interesting similarities.

Remember the otherwordly blue jungle of Pandora?

In World of Warcraft, it’s called Zangarmarsh.

And the climatic battle among the floating rocks?

It’s a lot like Nagrand.

And finally, the blue cat people with tentacle hair? (By the way, a google image search comes up with way too much cat people porn, shame on you.)

Meet the Draenei, blue goat people with tentacle hair.

Neat, huh?

Made by Asylum Studios for the idiotically renamed SyFy (seriously, where they trying to pull a Prince or something?), Megapiranha promises and hour and a half of mind meltingly sublime cinema.

Asylum Studios is probably my favorite peddler of schlock movies. They understand that they are not making A list movies and don’t bother trying to pretend they are. This gives their movies a tongue in cheek feel to them that makes them as fun as they are stupid.

The very premise of the movie is hilarious. Apparently some scientists, in an attempt to end world hunger, decide to genetically engineer fish to grow extraordinarily large. Of course, tuna or bass are much too mundane so they decided to use a “particularly bloodthirsty” strain of piranha. Seriously.

The story opens up with two lovers swimming in a secluded area of the Orinoco river. If you squint and cross your eyes like you are looking at one of those magic eye pictures you can almost see the opening scene from Jaws.

After that, the fish swim downstream and eat the American ambassador to Venezuela who is out drinking and whoring on a river boat with his counterpart. Of course, this is labeled as terrorism and our hero is flown in (an actor who was hired solely on his ability to grimace).

As the film progresses, the piranhas get progressively larger until they start eating naval vessels, submarines and the Florida Keys. After nuclear weapons fail to stop the giant fish, our hero (and some expendable comestibles)  decide to fight them underwater with 20 mm hand cannons. Surprising, this fails and the fish are only stopped by the last second stealing of another scene from Jaws.

A piece of humor for the sharp eyed viewer, there is not even a little bit of an attempt of continuity. See how many different cars various actors drive as they change frequently and usually while in motion.

On a final note, if you were wondering where they would have possible come up with an idea for this movie, here it is.

Compare to this

Movie adaptions of graphic novels seem to be all the rage these days. While I have never read the source for this movie, I have no particular doubt that it is far superior to this movie. Within the first ten minutes you’ll see Kate Beckinsale in her underwear. The movie goes downhill from there.

The premise of the movie is that it takes place in Antarctica just before the long winter sets in and cuts off the outpost from the rest of society. As everyone is getting ready to leave, there is a series a murders that must be solved before darkness sets in and the murder gets away with whatever he is trying to get away with (by the end, you won’t care either).

Within the first twenty minutes you know who is behind the murders. There is no ambiguity as each event that occurs only strengthens your conviction. This leaves you with an hour and twenty minutes to kill as our heroine catches up to where the audience is at. This lack of opacity or even a surprise twist makes the movie stumble around (literally) as the characters try to figure out the obvious. Even the red herrings are easily dismissed.

The movie is dull, the romance is forced, and people wandering around in a snowstorm gets old after forty-five minutes.

If you’re looking for a film that doesn’t portray Irishmen as dirty drunks then go watch… Well, I’m certain someone made a move that doesn’t. Other than that, this movie has vampires, zombies, aliens, and Ron Perlman. What could possibly go wrong?

I have to admit, I watched this movie expecting the other shoe to drop. It didn’t. This movie was both funny and scary in a way that reminds me of Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness.

It’s the story of Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan), a grave robber who is about to be executed via the (anachronistic) guillotine. Father Ron Perlman comes to take his pre-execution confession and the story is told as a series of flashbacks.

Despite being a horror movie, it is largely character driven and Arthur Blake and his partner Willie Grimes are entertaining to watch.

They start out stealing corpses for a creepy old doctor. After receiving a tip about a fresh corpse buried near a crossroads, the duo discovers that the undead really do exist and not only that, but there are those who will pay handsomely for them.

Their new work leads them into conflict with an insanely colorful (being that they are colorful and insane) characters who are also in pursuit of the same “corpses”. This leads up to the climax and a pleasant double twist ending.

Overall, I was really impressed with this movie. Being ostensibly low budget,  it never resorted to the cheap thrills that plague many similar movies. Instead it focuses entertaining characters that you actually care if they get eaten, even if the monster is a bit cheesy looking.

Doomed is an amazing movie. It accomplishes what few other movies have ever done. It takes a great premise and pulls it off with such horrible execution that the only way to enjoy it is with a fifth of whiskey. And the television turned off.

Set on a remote island that is so not infested by zombies that it is named after George Romero, a group of ten convicts attempts to survive a trip across the island in order to win there freedom in a game show of THE FUTURE.

I’m a huge fan of low budget Sci-Fi/Horror movies so when I see a movie that looks like a Running Man but with zombies I figure that ought to be pretty fun? Right?

To be fair, let’s break down the movies strong and weak points.

Pros:

• The first cinematic use of a CGI vent on a set wall

Cons:

• Everything else

The movie opens up with ten convicts divided into five color coded teams. These people are so unlikeable that within the first few minutes the blue team gets into a fight and kill each other.

Apparently in THE FUTURE (2020) criminal punishment is to the state where jaywalking will net you twenty-five to life.  Because of this, a mix of mass murderers, prostitutes, and tax evaders are given the opportunity to win their freedom and a $50 million cash prize ($239.78 in todays dollars) if they are the first team to reach the other side of the island.

What their not told, is that the island was the home to a failed, secret government experiment into creating super soldiers that instead (and almost predictably) created zombies. Of course, in the name of keeping this all hush hush, it will all be broadcast on network TV.

Luckily for you, that the convicts are so unsympathetic that when their teams begin to implode and/or get eaten, you don’t care. You don’t even root for the zombies, you just don’t care. The black male character is so painfully, painfully stereotypical I can’t understand why he agreed to do the part (well I’ve got one theory but I’ll get to that later). Then there’s the loud black woman, whiny weak blonde girl and the Asian girl with a katana. The closest thing you have to protagonists are the grey team which consists of a Marine/Soldier (the writers are apparently not aware of the distinction) mass murderer and euthaniast (?) jury tamperer.

The cast may be bad but the story is so broken that it cannot even keep the premise straight. The entire point of the game is to reach the other part of the island to claim the reward and yet the reward is actually in a bunker in the middle of the island (and by bunker, I mean one long hallway with a single room). The freedom that is then promised to them there actually means they have to lug $50 million across the rest of the island while being chased by zombies.

For a zombie movie, there are no worthwhile special effects. All the budget was blown on the CGI island map, screen overlays and the vent. There is virtually no gore in this movie except for disturbingly pornographic showers of blood in the females faces. The zombie makeup consists of painting people gray, green, or some combination thereof.

For any type of movie, the weaponry is completely underutilized. There is a chainsaw and it is never used. NEVER USED! That is a clear violation of Chekhov’s Gun. Almost all of the combat is hand to hand or using firearms to bludgeon zombies.

So, after we uncurl ourselves from the corner, wipe the tears from our eyes, and convince ourselves that life is worth living again, we still must ask ourselves, why was this movie made. I think I know the answer.

Yes, apparently this movie was just an excuse to take some stupid producer’s money and use it for a vacation on Bora Bora.